A LITTLE STORY
It's crop season so I was tending my peanut butter farm. I was tilling the
soil using the neighborhood cats. I just round them up and tether them
into a harness and that is attached to a plow. The problem is that they
all have different ideas of what direction to go. They all go in different
directions when I yell, "Mush!" So I end up going nowhere. I just know
there is a magical word in cat language that means go straight in a path
and use your hind legs to push a heavy object that you are tethered to. So
I keep trying different words to see what will work. "Shazam!", I yell
with no luck. "Pathogareum's Theorum!". Nothing. "Basket Full of
Sleeping Delicious Barbequed Mice Straight Ahead!" One cat moved on that
note, but I think it was because I coughed. "GONpwjeposgoae,nlrreq!" I
was grasping at straws.
So seeing that the cats weren't helping worth a darn I rounded up the
neighborhood squirrels. Those things sure make a racket when you are
chasing them. I threw in a few chipmunks for good measure and because it
looked really cool. I tethered them up and they all did this 'look at me
with a dumbfounded look thing'. Sorta like they do on the road when you
are driving and they want to cross the road and see a car coming but they
still look at you frozen there as if to see if you plan to stop for them
and let them cross. Then they do this zig zag thing as if they still can't
figure out what to do. There are no squirrel xings so they end up being
road pancakes. This time I started smoking a corncob pipe and they didn't
seem to like the smoke so they were scramming as best they could. I shook
it at them with a menacing look too. I noticed that one of the chipmunks
that I had tied to the harness wasn't really a chipmunk. It was an old
sock I found in the street that looked like a chipmunk, albeit one that I
thought smelled a little odd. I was wondering why it seemed to be so
lifeless. I must be getting a bit too Mr. Magooish as I get older.
The squirrels and smattering of chipmunks weren't doing it either, so I
rounded up some ghosts that hang around the area. The harness straps don't
hold very well and kept going right through them. I asked them to summon
powers that at least make them gelatinous. Boy were they noncooperative.
I told them I'd give them a
Snickers bar if they cooperated. Nothing.
They seemed to be more interested in finding lost loved ones. I told them
to just finally get over them and instead help me with my peanut butter
farming. I told them there were other ghosts in the sea and that they may
find peanut butter farming helpful for their soul. I was just saying it
hoping they wouldn't catch onto me trying to get one over on them. It was
worth a try.
So in the end although I tried to get all of them to work I ended up
finding out that I was better off not trying to get free workers. I paid
some local kids to do the work. My next job was to paint the house. Now I
thought if I had the cats dipped in paint they could sprawl over what
needed to be painted and I would be done painting in no time. No squirrels
because with them being small they wouldn't cover enough surface. A few
"Shazam's!" and with the cats scattering in different directions it
actually worked for this application. Unfortunately, one apparent hard of
hearing cat didn't scatter and ended up drying thus sticking itself up on
the wall. I call him Picture.
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